The Cure

I used to pray to our Lord to take my sufferings away. Pain is odious and I do not like pain. Later it dawned on me that yes, a particular event did cause me great pain and restlessness. However the pain and restlessness that was from the external and affected the internal was actually transient.

The greatest and lasting suffering actually comes from within. I have inflicted upon myself much suffering because I have wanted to live up to my expectations. I have much expectations of myself. And I want myself to “feel” as perfect as possible and “seen” perfect in the eyes of others. That is where my suffering comes from…

One afternoon in my contemplation, Jesus asked me, “Why are you following me? What are you looking for?”

I was speechless.

Later that day, something struck me that I am looking for love, God’s love. Until I truly experience and feel loved by God, only then will I be able to accept myself as I am, and things as they are; and that I neither need to “feel” perfect nor “seen” perfect.

[Reflection on Autobiography of St. Ignatius, Para. 22]