The Movements Within
The tension is clearly felt; the movements that are constantly at odd with each other.
Sometimes, I felt so sure of God’s presence and God’s will. And I experienced the “eureka” feeling; the experience seemed to be like that of Transfiguration with the heart burning sensation that lasted for few seconds.
Sometimes, fear and confusion haunted me. I began to question if my experience of God was real or just another fragment of my imagination. I questioned whether I really knew God and what he wanted of me. I had doubts of myself, my worthiness, my readiness, my commitment, my seriousness and my perseverance…
People once said that I am a thinker, and true enough I think a lot, and at times I over-think. I do not really like choices, but then I am dealing with a loving God who will never impose His Will and His Law upon me. I know that He will not treat me like a mule or a horse that He has to put a rope around its neck to make it succumb.
But still, I am not open enough and am not trusting God enough. I am too used to village roads. And I hypnotize myself into believing that it is not safe to travel on the highways, the cars are just too many, there are tolls to pay, and there can be no U-turn…
I know I should learn to let go of the rein and let the mule bring me to the highway that will open up a broader horizon... I will have to decide myself whether to cling onto the rein or to let go...
[Reflection on Autobiography of St. Ignatius, Para. 14 - 16]
Sometimes, I felt so sure of God’s presence and God’s will. And I experienced the “eureka” feeling; the experience seemed to be like that of Transfiguration with the heart burning sensation that lasted for few seconds.
Sometimes, fear and confusion haunted me. I began to question if my experience of God was real or just another fragment of my imagination. I questioned whether I really knew God and what he wanted of me. I had doubts of myself, my worthiness, my readiness, my commitment, my seriousness and my perseverance…
People once said that I am a thinker, and true enough I think a lot, and at times I over-think. I do not really like choices, but then I am dealing with a loving God who will never impose His Will and His Law upon me. I know that He will not treat me like a mule or a horse that He has to put a rope around its neck to make it succumb.
But still, I am not open enough and am not trusting God enough. I am too used to village roads. And I hypnotize myself into believing that it is not safe to travel on the highways, the cars are just too many, there are tolls to pay, and there can be no U-turn…
I know I should learn to let go of the rein and let the mule bring me to the highway that will open up a broader horizon... I will have to decide myself whether to cling onto the rein or to let go...
[Reflection on Autobiography of St. Ignatius, Para. 14 - 16]
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