Feeling Dry

I was experiencing spiritual dryness, in Ignatian terms, it is known as spiritual desolation. I told the Group that I encountered a lot of distractions and was not fulfilled after prayers. Reflecting on yesterday Gospel passage, I was complaining to Jesus just like the demoniac, “What do you want of me, Son of God?” I found myself walking towards Jesus; yet I felt the struggle within me as I dragged my feet towards Him.

It is never easy to look into the brokenness within me and truly believe that God really loves me as who I am. I was told that I was worth more that many sparrows, and in yesterday’s Gospel, many pigs. But I was still sceptical. The bit-by-bit discovery of my own self can be really frightening because there comes the challenge: what am I to do after the discovery? I lamented to Jesus, “Please send me to the pigs...” I did not want to explore further, I was tired, and I wanted to give up.

The frustration brought me to the sudden realization that, “If I live as a pig, I will die as a pig…”

During end-of-day examen yesterday, it came to me that I am the problem to my desolations. I have not planned and managed my time well. The effect of it was that my working time was prolonged and it disrupted my private time and prayer life. And the effect was further experienced in the movement of spirits within me during prayer and outside prayer.

The desolation tells me that I need to do something and I can do something.

[Reflection on Matthew 8: 28-34]
(The Park)