Guilt & Determination to Change

Looking at my past life and current life always make me feeling guilty. There were things that I have done and the things I have failed to do. One of the many differences between me and St Ignatius is that he saw his own sinful life and determined to make penance for it; while I look at my own self and my own life with self pity, pessimism and helplessness without having the initiative to change. Most of the time I know my problem; I grumble and mourn at my own self but nothing is done. The sense of guilt escalates as the awareness of sin evolves as time goes by. (I often feel guilty and until now I do not know exactly why.)

Awareness of my own sinfulness, brokenness, and limitation is one thing; and to act upon them positively is another. The spirit is willing but my body is weak. I hate the things that I do, the way I behave but then, I am still doing what I am not supposed to do and behaving in ways that I should not.

However, I believe it is a good start. Everything starts with noticing. I must notice the life I am living; only then I can improve on it. Life is a constant struggle. I struggle and my efforts are seem futile. But at least I notice that I need to put order back into my disordered life. The sense of guilt, to some extend can keep me on the right track, I suppose...

[Reflection on Autobiography of St. Ignatius, Para. 9]