Noticing
How hard it is to notice? I am not an observant person and I am often not aware of things going on around me and in me. I tend to live in my own world even though I do not know what my inner world is all about. It is a constant struggle to understand myself, my feelings and my inner world. Sometimes, I wonder whether I will ever understand my own self, what I am all about, my feelings and desires etc.
It is not easy to notice, to feel and to understand. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Why can't I live like others? They never make an attempt to notice, to feel and to understand. They live the same old routine, sticking to what tradition and culture have moulded them to be. And they seem so contended about it.
Why must God disturb me? Why me? Not others? Why did God want to push me out of my comfort (maybe not that comfortable after all) zone? I guess, Ignatius must have asked himself why God has disturbed him with that canon ball when everything seemed to be in order.
I look at the mixture of feelings within myself. Which is from God? Which is from the devil? Which is intellectualized by my own self to justify my action? Everything gets so confused. Until one day, I got to talk to someone and was asked to look at my consolation and desolation as two separate entities, only then I get to see clearer picture. Only then do I realize that I have been mixing up consolation and desolation and by doing so making myself more confused. (Well, to identify consolation and desolation is another story.)
By the way, what is true consolation and what is false consolation? Am I focussing on false consolation now? I do not know... Only God can tell. Or maybe I know it but then too afraid to acknowledge it...
[Reflection on Autobiography of St. Ignatius, Para. 8]
It is not easy to notice, to feel and to understand. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Why can't I live like others? They never make an attempt to notice, to feel and to understand. They live the same old routine, sticking to what tradition and culture have moulded them to be. And they seem so contended about it.
Why must God disturb me? Why me? Not others? Why did God want to push me out of my comfort (maybe not that comfortable after all) zone? I guess, Ignatius must have asked himself why God has disturbed him with that canon ball when everything seemed to be in order.
I look at the mixture of feelings within myself. Which is from God? Which is from the devil? Which is intellectualized by my own self to justify my action? Everything gets so confused. Until one day, I got to talk to someone and was asked to look at my consolation and desolation as two separate entities, only then I get to see clearer picture. Only then do I realize that I have been mixing up consolation and desolation and by doing so making myself more confused. (Well, to identify consolation and desolation is another story.)
By the way, what is true consolation and what is false consolation? Am I focussing on false consolation now? I do not know... Only God can tell. Or maybe I know it but then too afraid to acknowledge it...
[Reflection on Autobiography of St. Ignatius, Para. 8]
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